Editorial by John Ziegler

Headlines FOR the Century

1/9/2000

Headlines of a newspaper that hasn't come out since 1900
  • Life isn't really fair! Our Leaders are not always good! Human beings seem to really suck! Money won't always make you happy! Sorry if our misleading you led to any inconvenience.
  • Women go from generally subservient to dominant. American men are culturally castrated as women take concept of having it both ways to new heights.
  • Significance of feelings/ intentions overtakes acts/ deeds as American culture is feminized. Rosie O'Donnell/ Oprah Winfrey seen as most powerful opinion makers.
  • Marriage fails as an institution. Idea of true love/soul mate is discredited. Women somehow still able to suck men into giving up freedom/ own lives.
  • Sex can be fun for women, too! Despite discovery of female orgasm, women still in control of sexual power.
  • Despite advances in science/technology, bodily functions still scare us. Picking nose, flatulence, bowel movements, menstruation, and urination still not recognized as actual human actions. Nudity/ mentioning of certain body parts still unacceptable.
  • Hero worship increases even as true heroes become extinct. Modern day frauds profit from myth created by real deal.
  • Celebrity becomes most important human quality. Even infamy seen as better than obscurity.
  • Credibility no longer necessary to be taken seriously. Name recognition overtakes knowledge/experience as most important qualification for public status.
  • What stupid/ignorant/uneducated people think about issues is now relevant. Mass media especially interested if they agree with the masses.
  • Leisure time is discovered and largely discarded. Most Americans now so bored they work all day anyway.
  • Lying no longer socially unacceptable. Now seen as expected/ preferred.
  • Truth/details/facts now seen as malleable/ largely unimportant. Truth tellers now seen as pains in the ass.
  • Making sense no longer required for movie plot/ song lyric success. Often seen as hindrance to mass appeal.
  • Humans can now remain alive for far longer than their bodies can last. Years of needless suffering seen as most convenient way to die.
  • Elders no longer respected, instead largely ignored. All those over the age of 55 deemed to have little or no marketing value.
  • Loyalty gets new definition. What someone might be able to do for you in the future more important than what someone has done for you in the past.
  • Chances of getting caught now most important factor in deciding whether to do wrong. God presumed to be dead/ sleeping or lacking interest.
  • Much of Bible is proven to be historically inaccurate. Three fundamentalist Christians are said to have noticed.
  • Science puts man on moon and helps double average human life span, but theory of evolution still not accepted by millions of Americans. Creationists unimpressed by facts/evidence/ logic, but continue to survive long, hot southern summers with help of air conditioning/ satellite TV.
  • The attention span of average American shrinks exponentially. Most won't even get through this headline.
  • Magic isn't real. Though Santa, Easter bunny, Tooth Fairy, David Copperfield still prosper.
  • Americans stop caring. Formerly massive news stories now have little or no impact. Public officials scratch heads/ rejoice.
  • Prominence of news story no longer dictated by importance to society. Any connection now purely coincidental as ratings/profits rule media decisions.
  • African-Americans make remarkable/ historic gains. Young Blacks who benefit most seem more upset than those who did the work and got little.
  • African-Americans thoroughly dominate sports requiring superior athletic ability. Drawing any conclusions regarding why still deemed as unacceptable/ unwise.
  • Freedom of speech no longer a fundamental principle. Only popular/ comfortable speech seen as worth protecting.
  • Being nice now seen as a weakness in romance/ business. Jerks now get the pretty girl/ good jobs.
  • Living long/ well enough to reproduce now remarkably easy. Resulting dilution of gene pool sited for rise of pro wrestling, Nascar and Jerry Springer.
  • Having eight children no longer needed to insure continuation of bloodline. Couples still have more than two for gifts/ attention/ entertainment.
  • Potential achievements now more important than actual achievements. Stocks of companies that lose money much more valuable than those that make profit.
  • Average American now comes into contact with thousands of more people before death. Some claim to have met someone they actually liked.
  • Average American has access to more information in a day than they did in a lifetime at turn of Century. Knowing more about Bill Clinton's penis than FDR's wheelchair seen as major breakthrough.
  • Without fanfare, USA changes form of government from Democratic Republic to pure Democracy. Massive ignorance/apathy of electorate seen as largely unimportant and potential source of entertainment.
  • You can't really become anything you want to be. Though being what your father was, no longer absolutely necessary.
  • Being truly special a near mathematical impossibility. World's population means that one-in-million person has at least 6,000 others just like them.

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