Editorial by John Ziegler

Parody Of PA Miners Story

8/14/2002

The following is a parody of the story in which nine miners were saved recently in Southwest Pennsylvania. Rush Limbaugh talked about the first half and the second half was added by John Ziegler Show listener Robert Hamilton.

Washington, D.C. (AP)
A Senate committee composed of senators Tom Daschle (D-SD), Hilary Clinton
(D-NY), Ted Kennedy (D-MA), and Diane Feinstein (D-CA), have announced that
the rescue of Pennsylvania's nine coal miners has been cancelled. The
miners will, by recommendation of the committee, have to be placed back in
the mine for possible further rescue, or additional rescue, if done
correctly and legally, because the senators noted the following violations
in the rescue process:

1) Heavy diesel equipment was moved to the rescue site without concern for
possible air pollution, thereby increasing the danger of global warming.
2) Water was first pumped out of the mine without first determining if the
water was polluted or providing an environmentally safe catchment area for
the water.
3) Numerous holes were drilled in the ground for the rescue without first
performing an environmental impact study, and receiving the proper permits
to dig from the Environmental Protection Agency.
4) No effort was made to ensure proper racial, ethnic, and sexual diversity
of the rescue workers under Federal Equal Opportunity Employment
guidelines.
5) The governor of Pennsylvania was heard to thank God during the live TV
broadcast of the rescue many times, thus violating the doctrine of
separation of church and state as interpreted by the United States Supreme
Court.
6) Several people at this public government supported rescue mentioned
praying. The miners' families mentioned praying. In fact, when the miners
came out they said they had prayed. For that reason alone they ought to be
sent back in there.
7) The trapped miners did not represent a diversified cross-section of
American society. There wasn't one of them that was black, there wasn't one
female, there wasn't one native American, there wasn't one Hispanic, and
there wasn't one openly proclaimed homosexual.
8) Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, and Hillary Clinton were not given
sufficient time to arrive and make speeches at the site, which will be
corrected during the next rescue if all these other things could be handled
first. In addition, Bill Clinton was not asked to comment upon the present
administration's handling of the rescue.
9) The senate was not given sufficient time to determine whether or not any
Republican officeholder owns stock in the coal company, thus being
responsible for the conspiracy that caused the mine to flood in the first
place.
10) No one mentioned that mine rescues were invented by Al Gore.

Accordingly, the following corrective measures will be taken at once:

1) The miners will be placed back into the mine (after replacing 5 of the
white male miners with one black miner, one female miner, one native
American miner, one Hispanic miner, and one openly proclaimed homosexual
miner to ensure proper diversity among the trapped miners), water will be
pumped back into the mine, and the mine re-sealed.
2) A complete survey of the site, and environmental impact study will have
to be submitted to the EPA, along with the proper applications to perform
excavation work. If it is determined that the proposed worksite will harm
any of the forest land above the mine, the worksite will have to be moved
to an area of land designated for free use located 16 miles from the mine.
3) A temporary, conditional approval to begin digging to reach the miners
will be given by the EPA upon receipt of the application to begin
excavation, pending final approval. However, this approval is granted on
the condition that no heavy machinery is used in order to keep potential
air pollution at acceptable levels. The use of picks and shovels will be
allowed, providing that all tool companies in the area owned by minorities
are solicited to bid on the contract to supply the picks and shovels. A
senate panel will set guidelines for preferential treatment to be given to
minority-owned companies to ensure that they receive their fair share of
the contracts.
4) A hiring plan must be filed with the EEOC to ensure proper racial,
ethnic, and sexual diversity among the rescue workers. In addition, the
mine company will be required to pay Jesse Jackson $750,000 per year to act
as a consultant to make sure that the mine company gives proper opportunity
to minorities in the future.
5) No one serving in any type of government position will be allowed to
invoke the name of God, unless it is the first syllable of a profanity. The
9th Federal Circuit Court will order an award of $3.2 million paid to the
ACLU for the egregious violation of the separation of church and state in
the first rescue. The Supreme Court will uphold this award 3 years from
now.
6) Praying will be allowed in churches and private residences only. No
praying will be allowed at the rescue site, as this may offend someone at
the site who has a different belief in God, or is an atheist. The miners
will be allowed to pray, so long as they don't pray loudly enough to be
heard on microphones lowered to them from the surface, as this may also
offend someone.
7) No rescue work will be permitted to begin until Al Sharpton is allowed
to speak on the racism that has been inherent in the mine disasters in the
history of this country. Hilary Clinton will speak on the vast right-wing
conspiracy that caused this disaster. The New York Times will interview
Bill Clinton. He will state that whether or not this is a mine disaster
depends upon what your definition of mine is. He will also emphasize that
his administration took a hard line against mine disasters. DNC chairman
Terry McAuliffe will give a speech about how the Bush tax cuts directly led
to this disaster.
8) A complete senate investigation will be launched by Tom Daschle to
determine whether or not any Republican office-holders owned stock in the
mine company and can therefore in some way be blamed for the mine collapse,
or if they hold stock in any of the companies that provided services in the
first rescue and therefore made any profit in the first rescue attempt.
9) All credit for the subsequent valiant effort to rescue the trapped
miners will be attributed to the policies of the Clinton Administration.
10) Finally, a memorial service for the trapped miners will be held at
First Baptist Church this Sunday. No attempt to recover the bodies will be
made, as the EPA ruled that this would permanently harm the habitat of the
Spotted Owl.

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