Editorial by John Ziegler

John Ziegler's "News From The Future"

4/1/2004

In honor of April Fool's Day, this is the text of a bit played by John Ziegler while filling in for John & Ken.

Announcer:

his is Clear Channel's national news for April 1st, 2014 broadcasting live from the capital of the soutwest territory, Los Angeles, here is Clear Channel national news anchorman Ryan Seacrest....

Anchor:

Good evening, Territorial commandant Arnold Schwartzengger, announced today that he would remain in charge of the southwest quadrant of the people's republic of North America for another 4 year term. Our leader, who was once governor of California when it was still part of the now disbanded United States of America, indicated that he decided to give himself a new term after being granted approval by both his wife Maria, who is also secretary of media censorship, as well as most of the other women in the Kennedy family.

Schwartzengger declared that the goals of his next term include the passage of a bill that would allow local communities to use English in government
communication in addition to the already mandated use of Spanish. This comes on the heels of the commander's plan, to also allow English to be taught as an elective in selected public schools.

Commandant Schwartzengger explained that in exchange for English being allowed to be taught as an elective in some public schools, that the state would have to phase out use of dollars as accepted currency, making the full transition to Pesos for all government business by the end of next year. The commandant also indicated that he would support an end to the recognition of the July 4th holiday and that it would be replaced on the official calendar with Ceasar Chavez day.

Commandant Schwartzengger also said that he will sponsor a ballot initiative that would force undocumented future citizens currently living in Mexico to eventually reimburse the southwest territory for the cost of the state funded
limousine shuttle rides that provide them transport across the boarder into the southwest territory. Mexicans wishing to become citizens of the people's republic have been provided the limousine shuttle since 2008 to insure safe passage through the dessert to the city of their choosing. The reimbursement plan is considered a compromise with leaders in the Latino community who last week got the Territorial commandant to agree to remove the requirement that new undocumented future citizens from Mexico be forced to pass a test before being given their diver's licenses.

Other goals for commandant Schwartzengger's next term include a constitutional amendment that would redefine marriage as the union between any number of people, animals, or plant life, of any gender, real or perceived, regardless of age or relation. This comes after the mayor of Berkley decided on her own to allow groups of people to marry both themselves and their pets.

Commandant Schwartzengger also promises to hold the line on taxes, pledging that no one will be forced to pay any more than 90% of their annual income to the people's republic. Stephan Lopez, of the state run newspaper, formerly known as the LA Times, decried the measure as caving into rich white people and called on the commandant to make stiffer taxation a priority in the near future.

Schwartzenegger also reiterated his goal that commuter time on Los Angeles area roadways be further curtailed. He trumpeted the success of his previous term in reducing the average commuter time spent in traffic from 3:45 to just 3 and a half hours per work day.

Commandant Scwartzneggger expressed disappointment that his plan to use military force against Tennessee has been vetoed by the United Nations, with French Prime Minister Osama bin Laden casting the deciding vote. Schwartzenegger had hoped to retaliate against Tennessee because angry military forces there invaded parts of the southwest territory last month in response to Schwartzenegger signing the law requiring public school students to experiment in homosexual activity at least once before being allowed to graduate.

The legislature of the southwest territory passed a bill today that would exempt any celebrity from having to endure prosecution for any crime lower than multiple murder. Co-Sponsored by State Senator Orenthal James Simpson and assemblyman Scott Peterson, the bill, referred to as the "Defense of Celebrity Act," states that any celebrity, as defined by a panel of respected entertainment reporters, would be exempted from all laws deemed less serious than multiple murder. Senator Simpson had hoped the celebrity exemption would go all the way to triple murder, but was forced to compromise when fellow Senator Mark Geragos threatened to pull his support, saying that the provision would irreparably harm both the legal profession and the cable news talk shows.

In other news from around the southwest terrritory...notorious radio talk show hosts John and Ken were arrested once again for their use of the banned term "illegal immigrant," which was changed officially by the government back in 2012 to "undocumented future citizens from Mexico." The arrest of John and Ken on "hate speech" charges is the third time the duo has been sent to jail since secretary of media censorship, Maria Shriver, ordered them taken off the air last year. John and Ken quickly reemerged on pirate radio and apparently remain popular, especially among white citizens, most of whom lost their voting rights after the 2010 purifying of the voter registration rolls.

In other radio news, 60 year old shock jock Howard Stern, who is still insisting tht he will be fired any day, over years after the FCC crackdown on indecency, was fined $500,000 today for having used the words "gosh" and "darn." The fine brings Stern's career total of fines to 561 million dollars. Stern's employer, Infinity broadcasting, immediately announced that Stern will be told in no uncertain terms that this type of behavior will no longer be tolerated.

In other legal news? the southwest territory highway patrol continued their crack down on citizens who break the territory's new ban on whistling while driving. The ban passed after prior bans on listening to the radio or CD player resulted in a .0002% drop in the number of traffic accidents last year. The Highway patrol announced that they had pulled over 25,000 drivers today alone on suspicion of whistling while driving. These drivers were all fined an undisclosed amount dependant on their ability to pay and, in the case of young women, their level of attractiveness.

The highway patrol also announced today that it had reached its monthly quota for stops and arrests of both Blacks and Latinos and therefore, under new guidelines set forth by police commissioner Rodney King, only white people will be arrested until the first of next month.

The annual Fortune 500 list of the largest companies on the continent is out and once again the list is led by?..Pfizer the maker of the anitdepressant Zoloft and the erectile dysfunction drug Viagra, Pfizer was closely followed on the list of largest companies, Kimberly-Clark the makers of Depends undergarments, and by Krispy Creame doughnuts.

In sports? Princeton University won its 8th consecutive NCAA basketball championship by defeating MIT in the title game. The Tigers have won every NCAA basketball championship since 2007, when the college presidents banned schools from allowing academically unqualified athletes entry into their institutions, and since the US Supreme court declared that dunking a basketball in state sponsored competition was a violation of the Americans with Disabilities Act. TV ratings for the game on channel 563-C were enormous with nearly 1.1% of the entire territory tuning in at some point in the game.

Major League baseball announced today that it would be moving in the fences at most of its ballparks and juicing up the baseball for the 2014 season in an effort increase the number of homeruns hit. Following the 2012 crackdown on steroid use the league's top home run hitter went yard only 12 times last year helping attendance drop to an all time low average of 2,300 people per game, though some believe the drop in attendance was also due to the owners ending their policy of paying people to attend baseball games.

In golf, after winning golf's most prestigious event, the 20 million dollar Iraqi Open, at the world famous Baghdad National golf course, Tiger Woods announced he would be retiring from the game, having earned 4.6 billion in winnings and 20 billion in endorsements. Woods also announced that he has purchased the entire territory of Florida, and that he will be renaming the territory the Nike/American Express/Buick Sunshine State.

In the movies, Hollywood's largest studio, Mel Gibson's Passion Productions, raked in 625 million dollars during the opening weekend for its controversial new movie depicting how bread and wine are transformed into the body and blood of Jesus of Nazereth and then get passed through the digestive systems of Catholics each week worldwide. Gibson's "The Passion of the Colon," could be the first movie to make two billion dollars since ticket prices passed the 100 dollar mark last year.

An finally tonight, in television news?.the reality show craze that began in the first part of the century, has apparently peaked with only 246 of last week's top 500 primetime TV shows being from the so-called reality genre. And for the first time since 2004 neither Vice President Donald Trump nor senator Paris Hilton have a show in the top 20 and, for the first time ever, Fox's American Idol, hosted by my successor William Hung, has fallen out of the top 10. Entertainment experts believe that something called the situation comedy may be the wave of the future for primetime television.

That's our world tonight?.Seacrest out?..

Return to Editorials >>


Search JohnZiegler.com